Hello everyone,
While I was digging through my files I stumbled across this one-act play I a couple of years ago.
Enjoy!
Judge Not
By: Carlos Alayeto
Copyright(c) 2007-2012 All Rights Reserved.
Characters
Jack – New Guy visiting Reborn- Christian Group
Diane – Friend of Jack – Bringing him to meet her new friends
Micah – (formerly Chris Roberts) – Leader of the Reborn-Christian Group
Ezekiel – (formerly Jim Jeffords) – Member of Reborn Christian Group
Mary – (formerly Mary White) – Member of Reborn Christian Group
Malachi – (formerly Oliver Lee Smith) – Member of Reborn Christian Group
At Rise: Members of Christian Group are seated in a half circle at center stage. They are in low light.
Enter Diane pulling Jack by the hand downstage…they are in full light.
Jack: I don’t know about this, you know I’m not really the religious type.
Diane: Yeah but you really gotta meet these people! They’re, I don’t know…different.
Jack: I still don’t understand why you started going to these meetings.
Diane: Look, every since I broke up with Paul I’ve really had some problems re-learning how to be comfortable with myself. We were together since high school and there was a time I wasn’t sure I could get used to living without being his girlfriend.
Jack: So what does that have to do with you coming to these meetings?
Diane: Well, I realized that I had spent so much time living for Paul that I just got used to being responsible to someone…
Jack: What about being responsible to yourself?
Diane: That’s not enough for me. I need to live for someone else.
Jack: Well that can’t be healthy. You’re going to end up settling for guy after guy just because you need to “live for someone else?”
Diane: Well the guy I’m going for next isn’t going anywhere!
Jack: Yeah? And who is this dude? Do I know him?
Diane: That’s why I’m bringing you to this meeting! I want you to know Him!
Jack: Uh… ok… is he one of the members?
Diane: Not really, but He’s always there!
Jack: What, so he just sort of hangs out? Sits in the back and never contributes? Creepy.
Diane: No it’s not! In fact, He’s watching us right now!
Jack: Very creepy.
Diane: I don’t think you’re getting this.
Jack: You’re right, I’m not.
Diane: He’s the one who is known as I Am.
Jack: Huh?
Diane: He is the rock of my salvation!
Jack: What?
Diane: He is the one who is called The Lamb!
Jack: What is that some kind of mob nickname?
Diane: It’s Jesus for His sake!
Jack: Uh…ok…But I just don’t see him as boyfriend material, you know daddy issues, and he’s kinda been, uh, dead for, I dunno when did they start making calendars?
Diane: No He isn’t! He lives on within all of us!
Jack: Oh I get it! Wait a minute…Oh no! I’m not going to let you do this to yourself!
Diane: Do what?
Jack: Get all caught up in this reborn Christian kick just because you got out of a bad relationship! You are way too normal and decent for that!
Diane: What is THAT supposed to mean?
Jack: Look, I’ve met people like this before. These so called “reborn” Christians. Every one of them is the same: They spend like 80 percent of their lives doing all kinds of crazy horrific shit and then pop up from bed one day saying they’ve found God. Next thing you know, they’re preaching to everyone that God saved them from a being complete and total degenerate and He can save you too. Well you know what? I don’t think that’s fair! You shouldn’t be able to run around doing whatever you please and then magically pull your Get Out of Hell Free card when you’ve gotten bored of living like an animal. And I’ll be damned Diane, damned, if one of these holier-than-thou freak shows is going to tell you how to run your life!
Diane: Hmph. Damned. Good choice of words. Maybe you should meet some of these people before you go making assumptions about them.
Jack: Whatever. I’m only here because I’m your friend and you asked me to come, so don’t expect some kind of miraculous conversion or a holy vision or a burning bush to appear to me. I am just fine with my life as it is, thank you very much.
Diane: Fine. Just try not to act like a jerk during the meeting and you’ll get through just fine!
Jack: As long as no one tries to dunk my head in water or make me handle poisonous snakes, I’ll be fine.
Diane: Lets go…They’ve already started.
Lights come up as Jack and Diane take their two empty seats. As this happens, we hear “Micah” delivering some lines of scripture.
Micah: …And of course we all remember Ezekiel 25:17! “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!
Jack: (sotto voce to Diane) Didn’t I see this in Pulp Fiction?
Diane: Shhh…
Micah: And so Ezekiel tells us that we righteous folk are surrounded!
All except Jack: Surrounded!
Micah: By forces trying to corrupt us!
All except Jack: Corrupt us!
Micah: And the Lord tells us we must be the shepherds for our fellow man.
All except Jack: Our fellow man!
Micah: And this leaves us, His devoted flock, with one burning question!
Jack: Is Marcellus Wallace a bitch!
Collective dramatic gasp. All turn to Jack.
Micah: It appears we have a new friend joining us today! Why don’t you stand up and introduce yourself?
Jack stands up and addresses the group.
Jack: Hi my name is Jack.
All: Hi Jack! Praise Jesus!
Jack: Uh, yeah…uh…thanks. I’m just here with my friend…uh…er…
Diane: Diane!
Jack: Yeah, Diane. And I’m making sure that she’s uh…going to find happiness in her new…uh…relationship…
Jack sits down, then quickly gets up as if he’s forgotten something.
Jack: Oh yeah, and I’m NOT an addict!
Jack sits and Diane elbows him in the ribs.
Diane: (sotto voce): You’re embarrassing me!
Jack: What?
Micah: Well let me just thank you Diane for being good enough to bring your most interesting friend to our humble little gathering!
Diane: Oh, really, I…
Micah: We are always looking to bring our message of hope and salvation to hungry ears!
All: (except Diane and Jack) Praise Jesus!
Micah: And to celebrate the arrival of this new face, this new beacon of hope for our cause, I declare that this meeting will be a special one….a Meeting of Remembrance!
(All except Jack and Diane begin to whisper amongst themselves, some of them cringing, some wringing their hands nervously.)
Diane: (stands) That really won’t be necessary Micah!
Jack: (pulling Diane back down, sotto voce) What’s a meeting of remembrance?
Diane: (sotto voce) It’s when everyone stands up and talks about the moment that God called them into His service.
Jack: (sotto voce) So what’s the big deal? It’s just more meet and greet stuff right?
Diane: (sotto voce) …Yeah…it’s just…
Micah: And now for the first volunteer…
(Ezekiel and Mary raise their hands.)
Micah: Ah, Ezekiel! I believe I saw your hand come up first, so please let us all recognize Ezekiel and receive his tale of hope and redemption with open hearts and eyes!
All: (except Jack) Praise Jesus!
(All sit down. Ezekiel rises and addresses the group.)
Ezekiel: Well, hello everyone. Wow, I can’t believe it’s really been 2 years 3 months and 22 days! Yes back then I was raising hell all over the place, so to speak. My, uh, path to the uh, palace of sin started early…
Jack: How early?
Ezekiel: Around five to tell the honest truth, the day I sold my first bottle of Grape Dimetapp to a third grader with a real taste for the stuff…I was a real mover back in grade school, chewable aspirin, throat drops, those little bon-bons that had a shot of booze in them, Keep Out of Reach Jimmy they used to call me…
Jack: Wait…I thought you said your name was Ezekiel.
Micah: Oh, our new friend doesn’t know our way. Each of our members takes on new, biblical names when they establish their covenant with God, and also as a symbolic way to shed their old sinful lives!
Ezekiel: My given name was Jim Jeffords. Anyhow, Keep Out of Reach Jimmy they used to call me…
Jack: Why was that?
Ezekiel: Because I could get you anything and everything that had “Keep Out of Reach of Children” on the label…I had a pretty good business going on until I got caught cutting my Ritalin Pixie Sticks with baking soda. That put me away for a while. Ended up in Military School…you’d be surprised to see how much those kids would pay for some Victoria’s Secret catalogs and National Geographics!
Micah: Er…I think we’ve heard enough youthful indiscretions, tell us now about your moment of clarity!
Ezekiel: Oh, yeah! I remember it like it was 2 years, 3 months, and 22 days ago: I had moved up to pushing some major merchandise…you know, Panama Red, China White, Black Tar Heroin…the kiddies really went for the colors…and I was at this wild party in Miami Beach when I was about to polish off my second bottle of Grey Goose. In that bottle, floating like a little baby in 180 proof amniotic fluid, was God!
All: (except Jack and Diane) Praise Jesus!
Micah: And what did our Lord say unto you!
Ezekiel: He said to me, and I will never forget this: Bro… Chill!
All: Bro…Chill!
Ezekiel: From that moment on I left the dope trade and never looked back! Now I’m a salesman for the company that manufactures Deprestnomo!
All (except Jack) clap excitedly for Ezekiel.
Micah: And what a successful and productive member of society you have become since you’ve found your way back to God! All things are possible when one walks in the path of the Lord!
Jack: Ok, so you quit being a drug pusher so you could work as a….drug pusher.
Ezekiel: Aren’t God and America great? He gives you the talent, and America gives you the outlet!
Micah: Now it’s your turn Mary!
Mary gets up…she is very attractive but seems shy and coquettish, dressed primly and properly to disguise her obvious…assets.
Mary: It’s so nice to see everyone here today being so open.
All: (except Jack) Praise Jesus!
Mary: My story isn’t as interesting as Ezekiel’s…
Jack: And what was YOUR old name?
Mary: Mary.
Jack: I don’t get it…isn’t that –?
Mary: No! My old name was Mary, after my late grandmother, my new name Mary, is after the biblical Mary!
Jack: (drily) Oh, of course, how could I have missed that?
Mary: I started out like any small town girl I guess. My sashay down the Devil’s Runway began at around 13 when I turned my first trick –
Jack: JESUS!
Mary: Yes, I believe that was his name, ironic isn’t it? The world sure looks different when its reflected upside-down in the rear view of a ’73 Ford Pickup…
Jack: Is it true that objects in mirror ARE closer than they appear?
Mary: It wasn’t long before I worked my way up from truck stops and pool halls to one of the swankiest houses of ill repute in the Upper Midwest: The Kitty Corral!
Jack: Not the same Kitty Corral where the Double P Double R Pay-n-Spray Special…uh…came from?!
Mary: You’re looking at the inventor!
Diane: What’s the Double P Double R….whatever you just said?
Jack: Only the most depraved act of sexual theatre known to man!
Diane: And how do YOU know about it?
Jack: Youtube.
Micah: I’m glad we can all relate to Mary’s uh…touching story…When did the good Shepherd of the Great Flock that is Man make his presence known to you dear Mary?
Mary: Actually it was when I was with one of my regulars. He was really nice but kind of a weirdo…had a thing for raw eggs.
(Noticeable disgust from Jack and Diane)
Mary: There I was, nineteen years old and cracking raw eggs open on the chest of a 52 year-old stockbroker when all of a sudden, he came to me –
Jack: Don’t you mean he came on –
Mary: Right on his chest there she was!
Jack: There was another chick involved?! This is getting better every minute!
Mary: Yes! The yolks and whites had pooled together and I saw what could only be described as The Blessed Virgin Mary Herself clutching the newborn baby Jesus! I knew right there that God wanted me for the ultimate job!
Jack: Well after watching you for a couple of years I’m sure he felt you were qualified.
Mary: Not that kind of job, blasphemer! The job of spreading His Word to all the impressionable girls who might one day end up performing late night chicken abortions for the delight of middle-aged men!
Micah: And an inspirational moral you have left us with! Never abort poultry unless you are making breakfast or mayonnaise, for it is a tragic waste of a potentially successful dinner! Malachi, dear friend, I see you are very reserved today! Why don’t you stand up and tell us how the Lord brought you into the light of His Grace!
Malachi rises, his ankle bound with a very noticeable electronic monitoring device.
Malachi: My…name is uh….was…Oliver. There’s really not much to tell. I used to be a musician. A pretty good one too…or so I thought. My trouble started kind of late compared to everyone else…I was already in my early 20’s…Well there was this band, and they were auditioning for a drummer. They made me… do things. Things I never could’ve imagined a drummer would be made to do…all I can remember is the colors…the colors…
Jack: Déjà vu!
Malachi: All I could see were colors. All the way home…all the traffic lights. Red, blue, yellow. Blue, Yellow, Red…I couldn’t drive so I left my Geo Metro on the side of the road and hitched a ride on this bus full of ladies…they all seemed to be wearing the same colors. I don’t remember much after I forced the driver to roll the bus off that cliff with everyone inside, but my lawyer told me later that the ladies were actually an order of blind nuns from some village in Guadalajara on a singing tour…I couldn’t see the black and white habits…just colors…and flames.
Dead silence as Jack and Diane are totally mortified at this point.
Malachi: Don’t you want to know when God showed Himself to me?
A long and awkward pause.
Malachi: In the smoldering twisted wreckage that was that bus full of blind Mexican nuns, I saw what Moses saw…a pillar of flame that would lead me into salvation…and the colors were gone! They were gone I tell you! Only God could have done it! And He did it for ME! (begins to laugh manically to himself)
The laughter subsides and Jack speaks…
Jack: (with perfect control) Normally, I would run after what I just heard. I would run. As far and as fast as my legs could carry me; but I don’t believe that there is any safe place I could get to, in a world where someone like you is allowed to sit in a room …with other people …without the benefit of a sheet of plastic… and a telephone handset… so that you could communicate with the rest of us.
Jack rises slowly and grasps Diane by the hand.
Jack: (calmly) Diane, you and I are going to leave. Together. Now!
Diane: Don’t you think you are being a bit judgmental?
Jack: (wavering) Diane. I am going to pretend you didn’t just ask me that…I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just ask me if I was being “a bit judgmental.” I am going concoct this fantasy because I believe you are totally insane and are trying to drag me down with you!
Diane: I’m not going anywhere!
Jack: (really cracking) Diane… I will leave you here. Do you understand me? I will leave you here and feel not a stitch of guilt. Not a stitch.
Diane: Fine! Go ahead and leave me! Go! (furious) Like every other man in my life! You never listen! You never…
Jack: YOU’RE HYSTERICAL!
Diane: No I’m not! (contained) I’ve never been saner in my life.
Jack: Have you been hearing any of this tonight? These people have all gone utterly batshit! It’s just like I said to you before! There is not one Reborn Christian that…
Diane: That what? Doesn’t have some skeleton in their closet? Don’t we all have something in our past that we don’t like to talk about or some regret?
Jack: Sure but my skeletons don’t involve things like doing coke off the neck of a Filipino transsexual!
Ezekiel: She was Thai!
Diane: So what? Does that make you better than these people? For goodness sake, Jack! Is that what you think about me?
Jack: No, of course not! That’s why I want to get you out of here!
Diane: And don’t you think I’m smart enough to know if this thing I’m doing is the right thing for me?
Jack: Yes but I –
Diane: I just needed someone to listen, Jack. When I felt really down and lonely, I started to pray. And you know what? It felt so good to believe that there was someone out there listening, all day, all night, whenever I needed them.
Jack: But these people….
Diane: These people just happen to share that same joy that I’m telling you about. We get together because people like you don’t want to listen to us. You’re my best friend. I thought I could really trust you to share this part of my life with me. I wanted to show you how much real happiness I was feeling for the first time in a long time. I guess I gave you a little too much credit. You’re just like everyone else out there that believes in nothing other than themselves…and you know what? I think you’re all just jealous! You are jealous of people who feel safe; secure in the belief that someone is looking out for them. That someone cares for them no matter what!
Jack: Now who’s making assumptions about people? I believe in things other than myself! I believe in treating others the right way! I believe in things like duty and honor and loyalty! I just don’t need a book or a legend or a sewing circle of holier-than-thou hypocrites to tell me to believe them!
Diane: And I’m glad that you are so self-reliant. That’s great for you, it really is. But it doesn’t work for everyone else. It’s not about needing someone to tell you what’s right and wrong…it’s just… some of us need strength from something outside of ourselves…and there is nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is giving up. Giving in to how weak we can be and not doing anything about it. And it doesn’t matter what road you take to find that strength, what symbol you believe in, where your God comes from or even his name. What matters is that you are trying, damn it. (Indicates the others) Look at these people. Yeah, they’ve all done some pretty screwed up stuff, I know. But you know what? They are all here and they are trying to walk the hardest road of all…the road to be better than themselves. They are here because there is strength in numbers. They are here because sometimes the road is easier to walk when someone else is right there next to you, holding your hand and reminding you why you are on it in the first place. We are here because we know we can be better. That’s what brings us together. That’s what you don’t understand. That’s why I’m not going with you.
(Diane sits, silence as this all sinks in. The members are moved.)
Jack: I’m sorry Diane, I…I’m sorry to all of you. I’ve been a real asshole tonight. You’re my best friend…I was just looking out for you. The religion deal is just not my thing, and I can’t promise you that I will ever understand it –
Diane: You don’t have to.
Jack: You’re right. I don’t. If this is what makes you happy…Then I’m happy for you. Who the hell am I to tell anyone how they should find that?
(Jack and Diane embrace, the group applauds.)
Micah: Well brothers and sisters, I think we’ve all been moved by Diane’s words, and I think I speak for the rest of us when I say thank you, Jack. You’ve helped us to remember how much work we all still have left to do… on ourselves. But perhaps adopting fake names to forget our old lives isn’t the best way to go about fixing things either, is it? I’ve never said this to all of you but…My name is Chris Roberts.
Jack: Whoa…I thought I recognized you from somewhere! You’re not the same Chris Roberts who ran that international white slavery ring…
Micah: I’ve decided to put my leadership and organizational skills to a more noble use.
Jack: (stammering) But you!…I mean…You used to…ah hell!
Micah: Ah Hell, indeed. Sometime you need to see it before you can know the difference. Well, this has been quite a productive evening! I think I will close tonight’s meeting with some announcements and then we can all go home and sleep soundly knowing we all did our best to be a little better today.
All (except Jack): Praise Jesus!
Micah: Praise Jesus! We’ve got our monthly Footprints in the Sand Beach Devotional coming up and I understand Jim has something special lined up for us?
Ezekiel (Jim): Yeah! I’m really excited about it too! I can’t believe we got them to perform for free, but when I talked to their manager and told him we were a non-profit group, he assured me the band would be happy to do us the favor…as long as it was before April 15th.
Mary (Mary): Wow! That’s amazing! Who is this band? Are they famous?
Ezekiel (Jim): Are they famous?! They’re only the winners of the 2007 IGN Rock Band Competition!
Malachi (Oliver): No…it can’t be!
Ezekiel (Jim): My friends we are going to be rocked by none other than Kenosha, Wisconsin’s own CRAZED LIONS!
(All cheer except for Oliver, who is screaming and violently attempting to chew off his tracking anklet.)
Malachi (Oliver): Nooooooooooo! (collapses into a blubbering heap on the floor)
Jack: What’s with that guy?
Diane: Beats me, but I would guess his issues are second to NUN!
(All laugh as the lights fade to black)
END PLAY.
Characters
Jack – New Guy visiting Reborn- Christian Group
Diane – Friend of Jack – Bringing him to meet her new friends
Micah – (formerly Chris Roberts) – Leader of the Reborn-Christian Group
Ezekiel – (formerly Jim Jeffords) – Member of Reborn Christian Group
Mary – (formerly Mary White) – Member of Reborn Christian Group
Malachi – (formerly Oliver Lee Smith) – Member of Reborn Christian Group
At Rise: Members of Christian Group are seated in a half circle at center stage. They are in low light.
Enter Diane pulling Jack by the hand downstage…they are in full light.
Jack: I don’t know about this, you know I’m not really the religious type.
Diane: Yeah but you really gotta meet these people! They’re, I don’t know…different.
Jack: I still don’t understand why you started going to these meetings.
Diane: Look, every since I broke up with Paul I’ve really had some problems re-learning how to be comfortable with myself. We were together since high school and there was a time I wasn’t sure I could get used to living without being his girlfriend.
Jack: So what does that have to do with you coming to these meetings?
Diane: Well, I realized that I had spent so much time living for Paul that I just got used to being responsible to someone…
Jack: What about being responsible to yourself?
Diane: That’s not enough for me. I need to live for someone else.
Jack: Well that can’t be healthy. You’re going to end up settling for guy after guy just because you need to “live for someone else?”
Diane: Well the guy I’m going for next isn’t going anywhere!
Jack: Yeah? And who is this dude? Do I know him?
Diane: That’s why I’m bringing you to this meeting! I want you to know Him!
Jack: Uh… ok… is he one of the members?
Diane: Not really, but He’s always there!
Jack: What, so he just sort of hangs out? Sits in the back and never contributes? Creepy.
Diane: No it’s not! In fact, He’s watching us right now!
Jack: Very creepy.
Diane: I don’t think you’re getting this.
Jack: You’re right, I’m not.
Diane: He’s the one who is known as I Am.
Jack: Huh?
Diane: He is the rock of my salvation!
Jack: What?
Diane: He is the one who is called The Lamb!
Jack: What is that some kind of mob nickname?
Diane: It’s Jesus for His sake!
Jack: Uh…ok…But I just don’t see him as boyfriend material, you know daddy issues, and he’s kinda been, uh, dead for, I dunno when did they start making calendars?
Diane: No He isn’t! He lives on within all of us!
Jack: Oh I get it! Wait a minute…Oh no! I’m not going to let you do this to yourself!
Diane: Do what?
Jack: Get all caught up in this reborn Christian kick just because you got out of a bad relationship! You are way too normal and decent for that!
Diane: What is THAT supposed to mean?
Jack: Look, I’ve met people like this before. These so called “reborn” Christians. Every one of them is the same: They spend like 80 percent of their lives doing all kinds of crazy horrific shit and then pop up from bed one day saying they’ve found God. Next thing you know, they’re preaching to everyone that God saved them from a being complete and total degenerate and He can save you too. Well you know what? I don’t think that’s fair! You shouldn’t be able to run around doing whatever you please and then magically pull your Get Out of Hell Free card when you’ve gotten bored of living like an animal. And I’ll be damned Diane, damned, if one of these holier-than-thou freak shows is going to tell you how to run your life!
Diane: Hmph. Damned. Good choice of words. Maybe you should meet some of these people before you go making assumptions about them.
Jack: Whatever. I’m only here because I’m your friend and you asked me to come, so don’t expect some kind of miraculous conversion or a holy vision or a burning bush to appear to me. I am just fine with my life as it is, thank you very much.
Diane: Fine. Just try not to act like a jerk during the meeting and you’ll get through just fine!
Jack: As long as no one tries to dunk my head in water or make me handle poisonous snakes, I’ll be fine.
Diane: Lets go…They’ve already started.
Lights come up as Jack and Diane take their two empty seats. As this happens, we hear “Micah” delivering some lines of scripture.
Micah: …And of course we all remember Ezekiel 25:17! “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!
Jack: (sotto voce to Diane) Didn’t I see this in Pulp Fiction?
Diane: Shhh…
Micah: And so Ezekiel tells us that we righteous folk are surrounded!
All except Jack: Surrounded!
Micah: By forces trying to corrupt us!
All except Jack: Corrupt us!
Micah: And the Lord tells us we must be the shepherds for our fellow man.
All except Jack: Our fellow man!
Micah: And this leaves us, His devoted flock, with one burning question!
Jack: Is Marcellus Wallace a bitch!
Collective dramatic gasp. All turn to Jack.
Micah: It appears we have a new friend joining us today! Why don’t you stand up and introduce yourself?
Jack stands up and addresses the group.
Jack: Hi my name is Jack.
All: Hi Jack! Praise Jesus!
Jack: Uh, yeah…uh…thanks. I’m just here with my friend…uh…er…
Diane: Diane!
Jack: Yeah, Diane. And I’m making sure that she’s uh…going to find happiness in her new…uh…relationship…
Jack sits down, then quickly gets up as if he’s forgotten something.
Jack: Oh yeah, and I’m NOT an addict!
Jack sits and Diane elbows him in the ribs.
Diane: (sotto voce): You’re embarrassing me!
Jack: What?
Micah: Well let me just thank you Diane for being good enough to bring your most interesting friend to our humble little gathering!
Diane: Oh, really, I…
Micah: We are always looking to bring our message of hope and salvation to hungry ears!
All: (except Diane and Jack) Praise Jesus!
Micah: And to celebrate the arrival of this new face, this new beacon of hope for our cause, I declare that this meeting will be a special one….a Meeting of Remembrance!
(All except Jack and Diane begin to whisper amongst themselves, some of them cringing, some wringing their hands nervously.)
Diane: (stands) That really won’t be necessary Micah!
Jack: (pulling Diane back down, sotto voce) What’s a meeting of remembrance?
Diane: (sotto voce) It’s when everyone stands up and talks about the moment that God called them into His service.
Jack: (sotto voce) So what’s the big deal? It’s just more meet and greet stuff right?
Diane: (sotto voce) …Yeah…it’s just…
Micah: And now for the first volunteer…
(Ezekiel and Mary raise their hands.)
Micah: Ah, Ezekiel! I believe I saw your hand come up first, so please let us all recognize Ezekiel and receive his tale of hope and redemption with open hearts and eyes!
All: (except Jack) Praise Jesus!
(All sit down. Ezekiel rises and addresses the group.)
Ezekiel: Well, hello everyone. Wow, I can’t believe it’s really been 2 years 3 months and 22 days! Yes back then I was raising hell all over the place, so to speak. My, uh, path to the uh, palace of sin started early…
Jack: How early?
Ezekiel: Around five to tell the honest truth, the day I sold my first bottle of Grape Dimetapp to a third grader with a real taste for the stuff…I was a real mover back in grade school, chewable aspirin, throat drops, those little bon-bons that had a shot of booze in them, Keep Out of Reach Jimmy they used to call me…
Jack: Wait…I thought you said your name was Ezekiel.
Micah: Oh, our new friend doesn’t know our way. Each of our members takes on new, biblical names when they establish their covenant with God, and also as a symbolic way to shed their old sinful lives!
Ezekiel: My given name was Jim Jeffords. Anyhow, Keep Out of Reach Jimmy they used to call me…
Jack: Why was that?
Ezekiel: Because I could get you anything and everything that had “Keep Out of Reach of Children” on the label…I had a pretty good business going on until I got caught cutting my Ritalin Pixie Sticks with baking soda. That put me away for a while. Ended up in Military School…you’d be surprised to see how much those kids would pay for some Victoria’s Secret catalogs and National Geographics!
Micah: Er…I think we’ve heard enough youthful indiscretions, tell us now about your moment of clarity!
Ezekiel: Oh, yeah! I remember it like it was 2 years, 3 months, and 22 days ago: I had moved up to pushing some major merchandise…you know, Panama Red, China White, Black Tar Heroin…the kiddies really went for the colors…and I was at this wild party in Miami Beach when I was about to polish off my second bottle of Grey Goose. In that bottle, floating like a little baby in 180 proof amniotic fluid, was God!
All: (except Jack and Diane) Praise Jesus!
Micah: And what did our Lord say unto you!
Ezekiel: He said to me, and I will never forget this: Bro… Chill!
All: Bro…Chill!
Ezekiel: From that moment on I left the dope trade and never looked back! Now I’m a salesman for the company that manufactures Deprestnomo!
All (except Jack) clap excitedly for Ezekiel.
Micah: And what a successful and productive member of society you have become since you’ve found your way back to God! All things are possible when one walks in the path of the Lord!
Jack: Ok, so you quit being a drug pusher so you could work as a….drug pusher.
Ezekiel: Aren’t God and America great? He gives you the talent, and America gives you the outlet!
Micah: Now it’s your turn Mary!
Mary gets up…she is very attractive but seems shy and coquettish, dressed primly and properly to disguise her obvious…assets.
Mary: It’s so nice to see everyone here today being so open.
All: (except Jack) Praise Jesus!
Mary: My story isn’t as interesting as Ezekiel’s…
Jack: And what was YOUR old name?
Mary: Mary.
Jack: I don’t get it…isn’t that –?
Mary: No! My old name was Mary, after my late grandmother, my new name Mary, is after the biblical Mary!
Jack: (drily) Oh, of course, how could I have missed that?
Mary: I started out like any small town girl I guess. My sashay down the Devil’s Runway began at around 13 when I turned my first trick –
Jack: JESUS!
Mary: Yes, I believe that was his name, ironic isn’t it? The world sure looks different when its reflected upside-down in the rear view of a ’73 Ford Pickup…
Jack: Is it true that objects in mirror ARE closer than they appear?
Mary: It wasn’t long before I worked my way up from truck stops and pool halls to one of the swankiest houses of ill repute in the Upper Midwest: The Kitty Corral!
Jack: Not the same Kitty Corral where the Double P Double R Pay-n-Spray Special…uh…came from?!
Mary: You’re looking at the inventor!
Diane: What’s the Double P Double R….whatever you just said?
Jack: Only the most depraved act of sexual theatre known to man!
Diane: And how do YOU know about it?
Jack: Youtube.
Micah: I’m glad we can all relate to Mary’s uh…touching story…When did the good Shepherd of the Great Flock that is Man make his presence known to you dear Mary?
Mary: Actually it was when I was with one of my regulars. He was really nice but kind of a weirdo…had a thing for raw eggs.
(Noticeable disgust from Jack and Diane)
Mary: There I was, nineteen years old and cracking raw eggs open on the chest of a 52 year-old stockbroker when all of a sudden, he came to me –
Jack: Don’t you mean he came on –
Mary: Right on his chest there she was!
Jack: There was another chick involved?! This is getting better every minute!
Mary: Yes! The yolks and whites had pooled together and I saw what could only be described as The Blessed Virgin Mary Herself clutching the newborn baby Jesus! I knew right there that God wanted me for the ultimate job!
Jack: Well after watching you for a couple of years I’m sure he felt you were qualified.
Mary: Not that kind of job, blasphemer! The job of spreading His Word to all the impressionable girls who might one day end up performing late night chicken abortions for the delight of middle-aged men!
Micah: And an inspirational moral you have left us with! Never abort poultry unless you are making breakfast or mayonnaise, for it is a tragic waste of a potentially successful dinner! Malachi, dear friend, I see you are very reserved today! Why don’t you stand up and tell us how the Lord brought you into the light of His Grace!
Malachi rises, his ankle bound with a very noticeable electronic monitoring device.
Malachi: My…name is uh….was…Oliver. There’s really not much to tell. I used to be a musician. A pretty good one too…or so I thought. My trouble started kind of late compared to everyone else…I was already in my early 20’s…Well there was this band, and they were auditioning for a drummer. They made me… do things. Things I never could’ve imagined a drummer would be made to do…all I can remember is the colors…the colors…
Jack: Déjà vu!
Malachi: All I could see were colors. All the way home…all the traffic lights. Red, blue, yellow. Blue, Yellow, Red…I couldn’t drive so I left my Geo Metro on the side of the road and hitched a ride on this bus full of ladies…they all seemed to be wearing the same colors. I don’t remember much after I forced the driver to roll the bus off that cliff with everyone inside, but my lawyer told me later that the ladies were actually an order of blind nuns from some village in Guadalajara on a singing tour…I couldn’t see the black and white habits…just colors…and flames.
Dead silence as Jack and Diane are totally mortified at this point.
Malachi: Don’t you want to know when God showed Himself to me?
A long and awkward pause.
Malachi: In the smoldering twisted wreckage that was that bus full of blind Mexican nuns, I saw what Moses saw…a pillar of flame that would lead me into salvation…and the colors were gone! They were gone I tell you! Only God could have done it! And He did it for ME! (begins to laugh manically to himself)
The laughter subsides and Jack speaks…
Jack: (with perfect control) Normally, I would run after what I just heard. I would run. As far and as fast as my legs could carry me; but I don’t believe that there is any safe place I could get to, in a world where someone like you is allowed to sit in a room …with other people …without the benefit of a sheet of plastic… and a telephone handset… so that you could communicate with the rest of us.
Jack rises slowly and grasps Diane by the hand.
Jack: (calmly) Diane, you and I are going to leave. Together. Now!
Diane: Don’t you think you are being a bit judgmental?
Jack: (wavering) Diane. I am going to pretend you didn’t just ask me that…I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just ask me if I was being “a bit judgmental.” I am going concoct this fantasy because I believe you are totally insane and are trying to drag me down with you!
Diane: I’m not going anywhere!
Jack: (really cracking) Diane… I will leave you here. Do you understand me? I will leave you here and feel not a stitch of guilt. Not a stitch.
Diane: Fine! Go ahead and leave me! Go! (furious) Like every other man in my life! You never listen! You never…
Jack: YOU’RE HYSTERICAL!
Diane: No I’m not! (contained) I’ve never been saner in my life.
Jack: Have you been hearing any of this tonight? These people have all gone utterly batshit! It’s just like I said to you before! There is not one Reborn Christian that…
Diane: That what? Doesn’t have some skeleton in their closet? Don’t we all have something in our past that we don’t like to talk about or some regret?
Jack: Sure but my skeletons don’t involve things like doing coke off the neck of a Filipino transsexual!
Ezekiel: She was Thai!
Diane: So what? Does that make you better than these people? For goodness sake, Jack! Is that what you think about me?
Jack: No, of course not! That’s why I want to get you out of here!
Diane: And don’t you think I’m smart enough to know if this thing I’m doing is the right thing for me?
Jack: Yes but I –
Diane: I just needed someone to listen, Jack. When I felt really down and lonely, I started to pray. And you know what? It felt so good to believe that there was someone out there listening, all day, all night, whenever I needed them.
Jack: But these people….
Diane: These people just happen to share that same joy that I’m telling you about. We get together because people like you don’t want to listen to us. You’re my best friend. I thought I could really trust you to share this part of my life with me. I wanted to show you how much real happiness I was feeling for the first time in a long time. I guess I gave you a little too much credit. You’re just like everyone else out there that believes in nothing other than themselves…and you know what? I think you’re all just jealous! You are jealous of people who feel safe; secure in the belief that someone is looking out for them. That someone cares for them no matter what!
Jack: Now who’s making assumptions about people? I believe in things other than myself! I believe in treating others the right way! I believe in things like duty and honor and loyalty! I just don’t need a book or a legend or a sewing circle of holier-than-thou hypocrites to tell me to believe them!
Diane: And I’m glad that you are so self-reliant. That’s great for you, it really is. But it doesn’t work for everyone else. It’s not about needing someone to tell you what’s right and wrong…it’s just… some of us need strength from something outside of ourselves…and there is nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is giving up. Giving in to how weak we can be and not doing anything about it. And it doesn’t matter what road you take to find that strength, what symbol you believe in, where your God comes from or even his name. What matters is that you are trying, damn it. (Indicates the others) Look at these people. Yeah, they’ve all done some pretty screwed up stuff, I know. But you know what? They are all here and they are trying to walk the hardest road of all…the road to be better than themselves. They are here because there is strength in numbers. They are here because sometimes the road is easier to walk when someone else is right there next to you, holding your hand and reminding you why you are on it in the first place. We are here because we know we can be better. That’s what brings us together. That’s what you don’t understand. That’s why I’m not going with you.
(Diane sits, silence as this all sinks in. The members are moved.)
Jack: I’m sorry Diane, I…I’m sorry to all of you. I’ve been a real asshole tonight. You’re my best friend…I was just looking out for you. The religion deal is just not my thing, and I can’t promise you that I will ever understand it –
Diane: You don’t have to.
Jack: You’re right. I don’t. If this is what makes you happy…Then I’m happy for you. Who the hell am I to tell anyone how they should find that?
(Jack and Diane embrace, the group applauds.)
Micah: Well brothers and sisters, I think we’ve all been moved by Diane’s words, and I think I speak for the rest of us when I say thank you, Jack. You’ve helped us to remember how much work we all still have left to do… on ourselves. But perhaps adopting fake names to forget our old lives isn’t the best way to go about fixing things either, is it? I’ve never said this to all of you but…My name is Chris Roberts.
Jack: Whoa…I thought I recognized you from somewhere! You’re not the same Chris Roberts who ran that international white slavery ring…
Micah: I’ve decided to put my leadership and organizational skills to a more noble use.
Jack: (stammering) But you!…I mean…You used to…ah hell!
Micah: Ah Hell, indeed. Sometime you need to see it before you can know the difference. Well, this has been quite a productive evening! I think I will close tonight’s meeting with some announcements and then we can all go home and sleep soundly knowing we all did our best to be a little better today.
All (except Jack): Praise Jesus!
Micah: Praise Jesus! We’ve got our monthly Footprints in the Sand Beach Devotional coming up and I understand Jim has something special lined up for us?
Ezekiel (Jim): Yeah! I’m really excited about it too! I can’t believe we got them to perform for free, but when I talked to their manager and told him we were a non-profit group, he assured me the band would be happy to do us the favor…as long as it was before April 15th.
Mary (Mary): Wow! That’s amazing! Who is this band? Are they famous?
Ezekiel (Jim): Are they famous?! They’re only the winners of the 2007 IGN Rock Band Competition!
Malachi (Oliver): No…it can’t be!
Ezekiel (Jim): My friends we are going to be rocked by none other than Kenosha, Wisconsin’s own CRAZED LIONS!
(All cheer except for Oliver, who is screaming and violently attempting to chew off his tracking anklet.)
Malachi (Oliver): Nooooooooooo! (collapses into a blubbering heap on the floor)
Jack: What’s with that guy?
Diane: Beats me, but I would guess his issues are second to NUN!
(All laugh as the lights fade to black)
END PLAY.
There is no “Gun Debate” — Just the Same Noise
Watching the “gun debate” unfold from over here and I have to wonder: will there be any provisions in this raft of new legislation that will help to address the socio-economic situations and deficiencies in our mental health care system that are nearer to the CAUSE of this epidemic of violence in America? Where is the mental health lobby? Where are the advocates for community building? Where are the champions of equal opportunity for the disadvantaged? Where are the educators? You know, all of the things that a society can provide that can help PREVENT someone from picking up a gun, a knife, a homemade explosive, poison, or any of the other myriad ways we seem to be using to kill each other? Is there a single study being funded to find the ROOT of this violence? Has anyone even asked WHY people are doing this? Why did some kid go nuts and stab 24 people this week? Why did no one see this coming? What created such a person? Again I say, the screaming between the NRA and gun control lobbyists is so loud they are drowning out the cry for a solution to the FUNDAMENTAL problems that nurture and help create people who carry out violent acts. Easy access to guns may be a problem in America, but it is completely obtuse to act as if access is what creates violence. The fact that other countries have access and don’t see the levels of violence we see in the US should be proof enough that guns are not the only problem. Has anyone stopped to consider that maybe the problem lies with other things that America is doing wrong that could be creating this problem? Our neighbors in Canada who are hunters don’t seem to be having the problems we in the US are having? Why? What makes them different than us? No one seems to care or even dares ask the question because of the disgusting partisanship of American political discourse. Everything is “I’m for or Against X,” and if you don’t tow the line for one side or the other, you get shouted down. Say “guns are not the only problem” and gun control advocates will call you an ignorant redneck, (or worse, a libertarian!) and give lovely academic and philosophical points that have no basis in reality. Say “we need gun control” and NRA folks will call you a coward, a sheep, and a person who should leave the country. How in the world are we supposed to have an intelligent discussion about this when both sides can’t stop screaming?! That undeniable fact is this: Gun violence is just a symptom of a far more insidious disease that is destroying America, and as long as we keep ignoring it, politicizing it, squabbling over it in political pissing contests, this disease will continue to rot the country from within. This is about the kind of country you want to see your children inherit, not a goddamned football game between arch rivals. Why can’t we cut the crap and just UNITE as human beings and figure out why we are raising children to be killers in the first place?
This is also the same country that creates the Bernie Madoff’s who don’t flinch when stealing billions from their fellow man. This is the same country that teaches that its better to open a factory in China than hire the people who live in your country because of the sole reason that IT IS CHEAPER. This is the same country where people know more about the Kardashians than where other countries are in a map. This is the same country where a bus driver is paid more than a schoolteacher.This is the same country where we champion freedom of speech with the proviso that speech is free so long as it doesn’t offend the sensibilities of X special interest group….Violence, blatant disregard for community, complete lack of any sense of duty, of moral obligation, of ethics, skins so thin that an ill wind can pierce them and we are so self-conscious, self-absorbed, and insecure that mere words can send us into a frenzy…what have we turned into? Worse yet, at this rate, what will be become?